The Weight of Feeling Nothing

The Pain I Pretend Not to Feel

I’ve mastered the art of pretending. People always see someone who doesn’t flinch, who receives pain the way he receives peace, who walks through life without even breaking a sweat. In this world, I’m unbothered — immune to the chaos of everything, and doesn’t care about what life brings.

But no one knows what’s underneath.

If I’ll be honest, I feel everything. I feel the hurt, the loneliness, the disappointments — every bit of it sits heavy in my chest. but instead of showing it, I lock it all away. Not because I am strong, but because I find it easier that way. It’s easier to act numb than to confront the waves of emotion that will surely drown me.

They say feeling nothing is worse than feeling pain, I guess that’s true. But I didn’t choose this because I want to. I chose this because the other option — letting myself fall and break down — feels impossible.

Throughout, I’ve learned to smile even if I don’t mean it, to say “I’m okay” even when I’m breaking. I’ve learned to laugh when I should cry. Hide myself away when I needed people in. It has been my defense mechanism, a fence I built to survive. And yes, it worked. At least here on the surface.

But every night, when it’s just me inside my quiet room, everything comes rushing back, Every feeling that I suppressed — it all hits me at once. And in those moments, I realized that I wasn’t really numb. I just know how to burry it deep that sometimes, even I can’t reach them.

I wish I could let it out. I wish I could cry without feeling weak, to scream without feeling dramatic, and to admit that I’m not okay without the fear of judgements. But I already convinced myself that no one will understand, that no one is willing to help me carry the weight of it all.

So, I stay silent. I keep pretending.

Maybe that is the hardest part — not that I feel too small, but I feel everything that I can’t let it show. I am not numb, it’s just a mask. Beneath it is a storm, a hurricane of emotions waiting to be felt, but I never learned how to let it out.

So for now, I’ll just keep pretending. I’ll keep wearing that mask, hoping that one day, I’ll find the courage to take it off and let myself feel — truly feel — again.